Week 4 of 4: The Crisis Facing Our Men and Boys
Beyond the Shame Narrative: From Information to Empowerment, From Challenge to Preparedness
Shaming people creates actors.
Inspiring people creates change.
I’m not surprised we’re shaming men and boys in our current climate. It’s part of a larger problem where just asking a question about [insert group of people] can instantly earn you a label. My hope is that the past three weeks taking time to understand nuances have given you context, practices, and a sense of how massive this mountain is to climb.
But if there’s one thing I know: it’s climbing a big mountain every day. And you climb it one step at a time.
Everything overwhelming can be broken down into bite-sized challenges. That’s the essence of the Challenge Mindset. The path isn’t easy—but it is simple. If you feel overwhelmed, join our Digital Campfire Sunday August 31st to openly discuss how to implement these strategies.
Before that, I want to give you an example of how we’re being manipulated and misled. I’ll tackle one of the most cited points in the “anti-male” narrative, show how data can be misleading, and then tie it all back to rites of passage and why they’re essential for human growth.
The Wage Gap: A Closer Look
The wage gap is often presented as evidence that men have it easy and women are systematically oppressed. Globally, the figure you’ll hear is:
For every $1 a man earns, a woman earns $0.77.
In the U.S., that figure rises to $0.83. In some states, like Rhode Island, it’s $0.89.
These inconsistencies just three layers deep begs the real question: Why?
That question doesn’t make you misogynist, anti-women, or any other dismissive label. It means you’re curious — and in my case, genuinely trying to understand the root cause so we can actually fix it.
When I worked in category management in South Africa, I saw how numbers could be manipulated. Competitors would present growth figures without comparison points. At face value it looked impressive, but once you compared against market averages, the picture looked very different. So much so the retailer they presented to agreed with me after my presentation.
It’s important to have a baseline on how to interpret stats, here’s a simplified example from the liquor industry I used to work in. A company can report topline growth, while one category is collapsing so badly that it hides what’s really happening underneath.
Suppose our portfolio looked like this (numbers used to show how percentages created):
Even though Wine and RTD (Ready To Drink - think beer and Cider) are thriving, Spirits drags the total growth down. What’s concerning about the numbers is the company isn’t growing.
And when you break Spirits down further, here’s what you find:
Now you see the real issue: Brandy’s decline, because it’s 70% of Spirits (and 42% of the whole business), is masking success elsewhere. If you only looked at the topline, you’d miss the real story.
The same principle applies to wages. Looking only at the aggregated percentages hides the details that actually matter and what needs focus.
Real Estate: A Case Study
Real Estate is one of the jobs where the biggest gap in wages exists. A 2023 study on gender differences in real estate showed:
Men: Nearly 90% worked more than 40 hours per week.
Women: One-third worked part-time; less than one-third worked more than 40 hours.
So when women on average earn less, is it because of discrimination? Or because many are choosing different hours for family or lifestyle reasons? We can debate the reasons behind it for sure — but immediately you can see one layer deep and we have a better understanding as to why there’s a gap.
Telling a young woman she will “automatically earn less just for being female” in real estate is disempowering. Showing her the traits of success in her particular chosen field is empowering.
Using the wage gap as the only argument (for both boys and girls) is like saying 87% of successful athletes get 95% sleep every night. That tells us something, but not nearly enough. The deeper questions are:
What’s their training regime?
How do they recover?
What food do they eat?
What’s the quality of their sleep?
This topic is emotionally charged and that’s exactly why we need to be even more analytical to make sure we don’t, as one of my favorite authors Jonathan Haidt has as his books byline, “allow good intentions and bad ideas are setting up a generation for failure.”
One of the top realtors in the U.S.—a close friend who actually introduced me to my wife—is proof. She excels, and her success has nothing to do with being male or female. It comes from her mastery of relationships, understanding what people need, matching people’s dream with what homes provide, and consistency.
This is the real takeaway: wage disparities are complex. Yes, women are historically coming out of a long period of injustice, and that context matters. But after more than 50 years, simply quoting “the wage gap” without nuance is misleading.
I’ve only scratched the surface here, but even this one example shows how layered the issue is. The more you drill down, the more you’ll see it reflects choices, industries, hours worked, and confidence. In the end, character traits—not gender—are often the biggest driver of outcomes.
Where blatant sexism exists, we should confront it directly. And where it doesn’t, we should focus on cultivating the traits that lead to success.
From Data to Humanity
I’ve had my share of difficult bosses—men and women alike. For more than two years, I believed the CEO who shut down our wilderness therapy program was a woman. Only in researching their name now did I realize it was actually a man.
And truthfully, I’m glad I was wrong—because it gave me the opportunity to see how quickly we can become attached to being “right” about gender. The truth is, the gender doesn’t matter. My blind spot revealed the bigger point: we don’t need better men or better women in leadership—we need better human beings. When profit comes before people, everyone loses.
What I do know with certainty is that SUWS was a rite of passage—for the kids and, in many ways, for the instructors too. Living in the wilderness, building communication skills, facing the elements, learning to depend on one another—it demanded growth, resilience, and connection. Which is exactly why Bly’s Iron John struck me so deeply. It’s a reminder that rites of passage aren’t luxuries. They’re necessities.
Iron John & Rites of Passage
After Week 1, a friend asked if I’d read Iron John by Robert Bly. The book dissects an old Brothers Grimm fairy tale and uses it as a framework to understand masculinity, psyche, and the essential role of rites of passage.
The most eye-opening insight: the loss of rites of passage for boys didn’t start with social media or modern culture—it began with the Industrial Revolution.
Before then, 80–90% of people worked in agriculture. Fathers and sons labored side by side, learning directly from one another. When men were pulled into factories, the bond was severed. Boys lost daily guidance, mentoring, and connection with male elders.
Bly identifies five essential tasks of male initiation:
Separation from the mother (developing individual identity)
Bonding with the father and male mentors
Facing ordeals or challenges (proving resilience and courage)
Receiving sacred knowledge (wisdom from elders, myths, and traditions)
Integration into the community (living with responsibility and service)
These are not “nice extras.” They’re human necessities. Wilderness therapy was one of the rare spaces that provided this structure for young people—and instructors too. The question is not “if” you should find a way to create a rite of passage — but rather when.
Bringing It Together
So where does this leave us? With work to do, yes—but also with clarity:
Shame doesn’t work. Connection & Challenge does.
Statistics don’t tell the whole story. Stories, context, and inquiry do.
Boys—and girls—need rites of passage, elders, and challenges to prepare them for life.
Take time to process this series. Be kind to yourself—and others—as we face the reality of how centuries of disconnection have shaped us. Gratitude for past generations can coexist with the responsibility to prepare this one.
Because when we prepare our young people with challenges, guidance, and love—they don’t just believe they can succeed. They know they can.
I look forward to seeing you at the Digital Campfire.
📝 Week 4 Homework
This week, your homework is simple: read or listen to Iron John. Reflect on how its lessons apply to your family, your community, or even your own unfinished initiation.
And if you want to practice breaking down statistics, pick a “gender disparity” claim (like CEOs, sports, or politics) and investigate it together with your kids. The goal isn’t to “win an argument”—it’s to learn how to ask better questions.
Here’s a short video resource for parents and future parents that can help set a stronger foundation:
[This Parenting Mistake Ruins Your Kids Brains! How To Raise Mentally Strong Kids: No.1 Brain Doctor]
🔥 Digital Campfire: August 31st, 1–3 PM EST
A Live Conversation for Those Who Care About the Crisis Facing Boys & Men
This isn’t a webinar.
This is a circle.
A space to come together around a virtual fire — to ask better questions, explore real stories, and connect across the growing divide between generations, genders, and belief systems.
Whether you’re a parent, partner, mentor, or young man yourself — this space is for you.
Bring your curiosity. Bring your heart. Bring your willingness to listen.
Led by Andrew Patterson — Wilderness Therapy guide, author, and Challenge Mindset mentor — this session is grounded in lived experience and deep care.